But when one partner is verbally abusive, things can go down a far less healthy path. A verbally abusive individual will regularly leave a partner feeling uneasy, scared, degraded and ashamed, sometimes even when a fight never occurred. This pattern should not be acceptable. Let’s look at it closer.
What Is Verbal Abuse?
Verbal abuse is a pattern of speaking with the intent to demean, humiliate, blame or threaten the victim. Though an abuser may raise their voice in mean and threatening ways, verbal abuse does not always include shouting. It can simply be defined by the manner in which the abuser is speaking—typically a demeaning, demoralizing way.
Verbal and emotional abuse may be used interchangeably to describe what’s happening, and that’s OK. Labeling the abuse is not as important as recognizing that what’s occurring is, in fact, abusive behavior.
Verbal abuse may start subtly. An abuser may seem to “have a temper” but apologizes after losing their cool. Over time, however, the fights may become more explosive. The abuser may begin to fly off the handle at the smallest thing.
Or an abuser’s choice of words may go from what may sound like teasing, initially, into something far more degrading or controlling. Something joking like, “I think that guy at the store was checking you out!” may later turn into, “What are you trying to do? Get everyone’s attention just to make me mad?” Advocates warn verbal abuse will often escalate to include other types of abuse as well, such as physical or sexual abuse.
The Red Flags of Verbal Abuse
Ask yourself these questions to identify verbal abuse:
Is your partner defining things differently from how you see them? As in, you remember your partner exploding in anger while they describe you as the one who intentionally started the fight (this is called gaslighting).
Is your partner using verbally abusive language toward you, aka, “You’re so stupid,” “You’d better do what I said,” or “Talk back and you’ll be sorry you did”?
Different Types of Verbal Abuse
Verbal abuse can take different forms, according to Patricia Evans, author of The Verbally Abusive Relationship. It can look like:
Verbal Abuse Often Includes Gaslighting
Gaslighting will leave a survivor doubting everything they know, which is exactly what abusers count on. Abusers will use phrases like, “That didn’t happen,” or “You’re blowing this out of proportion” which results in the survivor questioning their memories and, ultimately, blaming themselves. This is a convenient way for abusers to avoid taking responsibility.
Janie McMahan, licensed marriage and family therapist, told DomesticShelters.org that gaslighting can lead to survivors thinking they’re a little bit “off” emotionally and mentally. They begin thinking they can’t trust their instincts. Their self-esteem can plummet. They feel less than the other person—less intelligent, less capable. McMahan says it can lead to the survivor not having a sense of self, believing they no longer have an identity or a voice. “It keeps them in these relationships,” McMahan says.
How to Respond to Verbal Abuse
No one deserves to be demeaned, yelled at, insulted or controlled by a partner. First and foremost, it may be beneficial to reach out to a trained domestic violence advocate who can help you sort through what’s happening and determine if things are at risk of elevating to a more dangerous level.
Secondly, if you’re ready to end the relationship, make sure to have a safety plan in place.
In the meantime, when you are feeling verbally attacked or belittled, you can also take these steps:
In a healthy relationship, partners make sure not to hurt each other’s feelings intentionally.